If you read my previous post, you might know that my life has been changing recently to a better path, something that I enjoy living. Even though there are a lot of obstacles, it feels worthy in every day that passed.
But, something come up to my mind yesterday, which I want to become more “alive”. I have been doing everything that I want and physically able to do, but still I feel like i’m still living under the shadow of a “smart kid”, I know there are expectations from my parents for me to graduate with good grades, and I’m working hard for it. Trying my best to put a balance between my school life and organizations. Still, if i feel like i want to get out from it, is it wrong ?
When some people said, “well, I have been doing this job for the rest of life, it’s time to change”, or ” I have been doing the activity for too long, maybe I need to try something else,” but why no one said, ” I have been a ‘smart kid’ for the whole school year, i want to stop thinking so much about my grades”. I don’t mean to forget studying and do drugs or something bad, I know that you will never stop studying in your life, and it’s a blessing that you can do well in something. But, is it wrong if i feel tired of keep thinking so much about my grades?
I want to be free and live my life to the most. Right now being able to study abroad in Japan, probably it will only be one in a life time experience for me. And probably it will last only for another 2-3 years. And at the same time, I still don’t know what I want to do in my future. Time flies so fast, that all i want to do is to enjoy this moment.
Joining so many activities in here makes me so tired that I want to give up, but at the same time I still want to explore more. People in here taught me to do what you want, enjoy life, and never regret,
I want to join choir, even though I can’t sing,
I want to speak in a huge event, even though I’m shy
I want to compete in sports event, even though I can’t do sports
I want to act in a drama, play instruments, making posters, earn money from my hobby, I want to have a boyfriend that out of my league and feel broken hearted, I want to travel to may countries with my own money,
my bucket list can keep go on, when I realize that even though I join so many activities, winning and losing a lot competition, It’s not enough. Life is more than that, I know that i will never be able to do everything that life offers to me. But with all that i did right now, I don’t feel fulfilled. Is it me that will never feel enough, or I really haven’t experience much in life? Should i do it slowly and maybe till I’m old or should I tried my best to do it now ?
I want to be more “alive” to do what i want to do and find who am i truly am. Hopefully one day, maybe tomorrow or next month, or next year, I can be who I truly want to be. And the next post that I write will be more unexpected, because that what life supposed to be.
Lots of love,